Thursday

Today is Thursday. Yesterday was Wednesday, August 1st, and it was my sons 6th birthday. My husband and I planned a day jam-packed with fun for our middle child- so often we feel he gets lost in the mix!

First, we took all of our kids, plus a couple of extras to a REALLY cool trampoline park called Urban Air. Then, we came home, and I made a homemade Oreo cake at Tripp's request. (I am not sure if any of you have watched the Netflix original Nailed It, but this cake belonged on that show... as the contestent cake of course.) After that, we prepared dinner, cleaned the house, and got ready for family to come over to celebrate Tripp's birthday. When we got around to opening presents, we surprised Tripp with tickets to the Cardinals game for that night. The game was approximately an hour and a half from starting when he opened the tickets, so we had to get him ready to go, put away all the food, and be out the door in 30 minutes. Whew, that was a tall order!

The seats we had for Tripp's first game were awesome. We were close enough that we could see every play in action. We taught him all about saying "CHARGE!", the wave, and the hand clapping traditions. We spoiled him with sugar and lots of one-on-one attention. Jason ordered us a beer, and we sat back to enjoy the game. Added bonus, we brought home a winner! By the time we got home it was 11:30pm and we were exhausted. I fell into my bed and went to sleep.

All of that was happening on the outside. Here is what was happening on the inside:

We took the kids to Urban Air- so fun. I proceeded to eat FOUR (big) pieces of pizza while I was there. Immediately I felt gross. I didn't need that much pizza, I didn't even want that much pizza- why did I do that? I felt a pang of guilt, but moved on.

I knew that I had made a commitment to myself to practice my Spanish daily. It only takes 10 minutes. My laptop sat there, idle, while I ran around and did everything I "had" to do. Even though I was so proud of myself for keeping up with my commitment I chose to skip my practice session. I was too busy. I felt a pang of guilt, but moved on.

When we were getting ready to go the game I was frantically trying to find something to wear. I tried shorts- but I didn't feel comfortable in them because they were mid-rise, something that I was able to fit into last summer, and they fit in a very unflattering way this summer. I tried another pair of shorts- too short. I tried a Cardinals shirt I wore to the game just last year- too small. I was getting more and more frustrated. I work out! I eat the right foods! Why in tarnation did nothing fit me anymore?! I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I became acutely aware of my mid- section, and the way my arms spread out like pancakes when I laid them against my sides. I felt like I could literally feel a double chin growing. I put on a pair of jeans that rose up so high all of my fat was contained, and I begrudgingly walked out of my bedroom. I hated the way I looked, I felt ugly and gross, but I didn't have any more time to fret about it because this night was supposed to be about Tripp. I was feeling bad for myself instead of enjoying this time with him. I felt a pang of guilt, but moved on.

Let me tell you, sitting down in high-rise jeans that constrict your midsection, while your body processes all of the junk you have eaten that day, all the while drinking Bud Select does NOT make for a very comfortable situation. I was bloated and cramped. I was in my head, obsessing about how I looked and how I felt. I hated that I was so worried about these things. I was mad at myself for worrying about these things. I was supposed to be a strong woman who didn't care about what others thought, and there I was obsessing. I felt a pang of guilt, but moved on.

When we got back home we were totally wiped out. Jason had to work early so he went to bed while I got Tripp tucked in. I walked back to the kitchen and once again saw my computer staring at me. It was Wednesday. I was supposed to submit my blog post. I had started one already, but it wasn't ready to be published. "Oh well." I thought. I was too tired and the last thing I wanted was to be up until 1am editing. I went to bed. I felt a pang of guilt, but soon fell asleep.

This morning I woke up and I was so mad at myself. I had all of these emotions eating at me. I was disappointed in myself for not sticking to my commitments. I was disappointed in myself for eating horribly and drinking the night before. I was disappointed in myself that I cared so much about how I looked. That is not the person I want to be.

I called my husband to see how his early morning went. He answered the phone and said that he woke up at 5am not wanting to start the day. He was tired and cranky and wanted to just lay in bed. Then, he said, he made a choice. He chose to not dwell on the things that were making him feel bad: spending too much money, staying up too late, enjoying an adult beverage at the game. He decided that he was not going to allow himself to focus on those things. Instead, he was going to think about the memories we created with Tripp and he was going to move on. There was nothing we could do to change the past, so why should we dwell on it?

Huh. My husband with words of wisdom at 9am.

So, I reminded myself that the way that I feel about myself is my choice. And the way that I accomplish my goals is my choice. And the ways that I change my body or my mindset are all my choice.

I also realized that I need to take a step back and allow some room for error. If I miss one day practicing my Spanish the world is not going to implode. If I eat 4 pieces of (delicious) pizza at lunch one day, that doesn't mean I can't jump on the health-food bandwagon the next day. If I can't get a blog post out on Wednesday because I am totally overwhelmed- it is going to be okay. I need to accept that I am not perfect. I never will be, and I am not supposed to be.

So yes, it is Thursday, and not Wednesday. And I am just as committed to my original promise as I was a month ago when I made it. But I am also willing to accept imperfection. Acknowledging that gives me peace.

Until next time,

XOXO Aly