Dive Bar in Diego

Earlier this year my husband and I had the opportunity to take a vacation just the two of us. We were finally crawling out of the debt hole we had made for ourselves when I didn't get a job as planned, and we decided that some alone time was long overdue.

I ultimately decided on San Diego because I had heard wonderful things about the city, and, the pictures on Expedia were very pretty :). I booked the trip and surprised my hubby with a solo vacation. We were SO excited. We counted down the days until we were living wild and free on our spring break oasis.

The day of our flight I was extremely anxious, one, because I was terrified of flying, and two, because we had never left all three boys for this long. I started kicking myself for planning this getaway.

"We should have waited until the kids were a little older."

"We should have brought the kids with us."

"They would love going on a plane! What kind of selfish parents are we?"

Those were all thoughts racing through my head. Ultimately I knew there was nothing we could do about it. We needed some alone time. I was also aware that as soon as my (for emergencies only) anxiety medicine kicked in I would be just fine.

When we got to San Diego it was PARADISE. It was sunny, 75 degrees, with a light breeze. There were palm trees and smiling faces everywhere we looked. We were in awe of how much happiness the city oozed.

We arrived at our ocean side hotel and checked in with the front desk. After talking with the receptionist for a few minutes he decided that he would be upgrading us to a Honeymoon Suite- SCORE! All the guilt I had been feeling just hours before melted away. I was ready to enjoy the next four days with my husband.

The next day after a DELICIOUS Konos breakfast (if you are ever in the Pacific Beach area PLEASE do yourself a favor and grab a giant breakfast burrito) we headed out to the beach. Our whole plan was to basically do nothing at all. Which is what we did.

We sat on the beach and talked and laughed and watched the world go by. It was a welcomed change of pace, but something started to nag at me. We were talking and laughing and having a great time- but everything we were talking and laughing about had to do with our children. We literally could not think of anything to say to each other that didn't involve our children. That scared the CRAP out of me.

Jason and I have never been a couple without children. I came as a package deal 9 years ago when we started dating, and Jason never thought twice about it. He never balked at the idea of being a step-parent. He dove right in, head first. What if the fact that we had never experienced adult life as just two people meant that when our kids left the nest, which they inevitably would (so help me God), we would have nothing in common?

Now, any of you reading right now that has even the slightest idea of what anxiety feels like will understand that this little, tiny thought I had pop in my head had started to churn and twist and snowball. I was still carrying on like nothing was wrong, but on the inside I was a mess.

We went on a breathtaking sunset cruise that evening. We were cuddled up in a corner looking out over the bay as the San Diego sun was setting. We had a day full of soaking up the sun- if anyone saw me after you remember I soaked up a little too much- day drinking fun fruity beach drinks, and shopping. We were alone and holding hands and just simply being with each other. And I was crying.

I was crying because I was scared. I was crying because there was Jason, sitting next to me, the man I loved with all of my heart and am building this life with, and I was terrified that it would end. I was terrified that we would drift apart- we already couldn't talk about anything other than our kids- what if he stopped loving me? What if I became a bore? What if he did? What if I should have read more self-help books on how to make my marriage last forever?

My dear husband. Even when I have spun myself into a "what if" frenzy, he never fails to listen and reflect on everything I have said.  The amount of times he has had to talk me off the proverbial ledge, should earn him a special place in heaven.

He did and said all the right things. He hugged me, he told me he loved me, he reminded me why he fell in love with me in the first place. He assured me that even when our kids leave, and we get wrinkly and incontinent, he will still love me. It felt good to be reassured, and he did bring me out of my funk for the most part. But something held on.

Reese Witherspoon has been such a big influence in my life. First, in Legally Blonde, where she taught me the bend and snap. Most recently in Four Christmases with her co-star Vince Vaughn.

Have you watched that movie? I honestly can't tell you what happens during any part of it except for the bar scene. During the bar scene we find out as an audience that the couple goes out and pretends that they don't know each other. Essentially the idea is that they have to pick each other up- even though they know they are going home together that night- Light bulb!

Jason and I took an Uber to our hotel after the boat ride and started walking towards the boardwalk. There was a dive bar that was having a karaoke night and it caught our eye. We walked in and took a seat at the bar. I looked at Jason and said "I want to try something. Pretend like you don't know me. Pretend like you have never seen me before in your life." Then, I turned around.

I think for the first 3 or 4 minutes he was confused. I turned around and completely ignored him. We didn't know each other, remember?

Then, he started a conversation with me.

"Hey, so do you like the game on T.V.?"

"Not really." I replied and turned back around.

"Have you been here before?" He tried again.

"No."

I broke character- "Jason, if you were to see me in a bar for the first time in your life, are those the things you would say to me? Think back to when we first met. What would you have said?" Cue me turning back around.

"Are you from around here?" Jason asked.

"No, I am actually on vacation here. I am from St. Louis"

"No way! I am from St. Louis too. I needed a break so I came out to San Diego."

For the next hour we talked about things we liked to do in Saint Louis, shared stories with each other, talked about our work, talked about our favorite songs, and even ended up doing karaoke with each other. It was a LOT of fun. And never once did we talk about our kids. We actually enjoyed talking to one another about one another.

When we left the bar Jason pulled me aside and said that he realized that he had gotten too comfortable with me over the years. He knew I would always be there for him, so he stopped trying to impress me. He said that he felt a little lost in the bar because he didn't know what to say to me. And he started thinking, "Hold on, she can actually get up and leave whenever she wants to".

I realized I was at fault too. I was so caught up in the kids and bills and work that I failed to give him what he needed in our relationship. I realized that I desperately wanted him to talk to me and spend time with me, but when we were spending time together my mind was always focused on something else- which did neither of us any good!

We were doing life standing next to one another but not standing with one another. And we both realized that had to change.

We took the time to look into our Love Languages, and found that they are pretty much completely opposite. I need quality time and "gifts" to feel loved, where he needs touch and words of affirmation. We both needed to try harder to make the other one feel loved.

When our feelings about not being close or not feeling loved enough put strain on our relationship, we had a conversation. A conversation that led to an experiment. An experiment that opened both of our eyes to the realization that all we really want is to simply be with one another. We chose each other once and would choose each other over and over again, despite the craziness of our lives.

Knowing and feeling confident in our love is enough to put all of my angst and worry aside. And all it took was a real conversation with my husband and a little help from my good friend Reece.

Until next time,

XOXO Aly