Changes

Today I helped my oldest son pack his bags and drove him two hours away to summer camp. This might sound like a pretty normal occurrence for an almost 12-year-old boy over the summer. For the most part, it is. The difference is the "why" behind his journey to camp, and what has led us to this point.

Twelve years ago I vividly remember sitting in my grandma's car telling her that I didn't mind being pregnant, because it would mean two things. One, I would always be loved and two, I would never be alone again. (How true those words were- I can't even go to the bathroom in peace!). Looking back that seems like an odd thing for a 17-year-old to say, especially because on a day-to-day basis I wasn't alone. My mom and my grandma were always with me. On top of that I had plenty of other family and friends that I was surrounded with. Still, I remember feeling like I never quite "fit" where I was.

I went to a Catholic grade school during my early elementary school years. It was a neighborhood school and I knew plenty of kids there. They had epic fish fry's and BINGO nights. Anyone who lived in the area looked forward to the annual carnival every year that signaled the start of the school year and the beginning of fall. Everything was going really well, except I wasn't Catholic. At first it was okay, but as I got a little older I realized I was different from my friends. I watched and went through the motions while my friends prepared for their First Communion, participated in mass three times a week, and attended PSR classes. I had plenty of friends, I did well in school, but I didn't quite fit in.

I was able to begin going to a public school in 4th grade and I LOVED every minute of it. By the end of 4th grade however, I was so sick that I couldn't enjoy school anymore. None of my clothes fit, I was in constant pain, and no one could figure out why I had lost 30 pounds over the course of 6 months. Before going into 5th grade I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease. There was plenty of medicine I could take to help me feel good again- I would return to "normal" most likely. But all I heard was the word "disease" and I was acutely aware that again, I didn't quite fit in.

In middle school I started hanging out with a bigger group of friends. School got a lot harder for me, so I started focusing more on my appearance and on the social aspect of my life than academics. I was hyper-focused on certain parts of my body that stuck out- my ears were too big, I had a gap tooth, my eyebrows were too bushy, I was too tall- all things that other kids my age so kindly pointed out. This part of my life was much like any other middle schooler struggling to find their place among 600 eleven, twelve, and thirteen year olds. It is safe to say that nobody quite "fits in" during those years.

By high school I had a pretty big group of friends. We spent as much time together as the days would allow. I had made it onto the Freshman Drill Team (by the grace of God because I could NOT dance...but I could smile and showman-ship my way through just about anything!). Even after I didn't end up making the Drill Team my sophomore year, I  stuck with my same crew. I had found my niche, and I refused to stray from it.  Sometimes that meant screwing up the way all teenagers do. Sometimes that meant lying, or being sneaky. Sometimes that meant breaking promises to myself.

By my Junior year I was lost. I had come so far from the person who I thought I would be in highschool. I had come so far from the little girl who buried her nose in a book any chance she could, or who academics came so easy for. I had come so far from the girl who had steadfast ideals and morals. I had no idea what to do with myself. My mom tried everything she could to help. She tried to talk to me about my life, she took me to a counselor, she did all of the right things. But I was 16 and I knew everything.

When I found out I was going to have a baby, I believed he was the way I would find my purpose. He couldn't ever leave me or make me feel like I didn't belong, because he would be mine.

The snag in my thread was that I was still a child. I was still learning and growing. I wasn't finished making mistakes or colossally screwing up. I was trying to marry two completely different people. The first one was the "me" that desperately wanted to fit in as a teenager/young adult, and the second one was the "me" that was certain that being a mom was supposed to be my path to feeling good about myself.

I spent years trying to work through this intense feeling of guilt about not living up to the expectations others had of me, while trying so desperately to live up to those same expectations.

And through all of this, there was my baby. He grew up with a family who loved him fiercely. He had grandparents galore, aunts, uncles, and cousins. He was lucky enough to have great-grandparents, great-aunts, great-uncles, and 2nd cousins. He grew up with a mom who quickly found out that there is no love like the love for your child. He also grew up with a mom who was still learning how to be an adult. He grew up with a mom who thought she had it all figured out at 17 years old, realized she did not, and then had to build herself into the person who could truly be his mother. He grew up with parent who was still growing up.

His desperate need for structure and stability has been evident since he was very small. Even with family who loved him unconditionally he experienced more instability during his first three years of life than a typical child would. That, in turn, led to his need for routine. He craves routine to this day more than any kid I have ever met. He has a specific way his blankets have to be on his bed. He has a specific way he has to get ready in the morning. This kid will tell you when the seasoning in the taco meat deviates from normal. He wants there to be a plan and he wants the plan to stay exactly as such. Nothing can change or his world starts to crumble. When his world starts to crumble he loses control. When he loses control, his feelings take over and holes are punched in walls, t.v.'s break, and hurtful words fly.

My husband and I have learned that when events stray from routine, or when big changes come, we have to be very mindful about how we approach the situation. We have to extend grace when most people would not. We have to acknowledge his struggle and try everything we can to help him cope with any change that comes his way. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it does not.

My son came to me yesterday scared of what this next week at camp will bring. He is nervous and apprehensive, and is starting to feel out of control. My hope is that he will realize just how strong he really is through this experience, and that he will take that knowledge with him as he begins his journey at the middle school this fall. My hope is that he will begin to realize that change is okay, and through change he will grow into a better person.

Maybe the skills he will learn at this camp will help him find his place easily. Maybe the friendships and the sense of confidence that he will develop this week will help him feel like he fits in, even when the world is telling him he doesn't. Maybe he will learn to control his temper and his feelings of frustration when he is confronted with change, because he is being forced into a situation that is so different from what he is used to.

Maybe, my entire theory on why this camp is so important for him is wrong, and he will come back angry that I put him through this forced opportunity for growth. Maybe I will not have spared him any feelings of being lost or not quite fitting in.

Most days I feel like I have no idea what I am doing. I am still learning and growing as a woman, wife, and mother every day. On the days that I feel particularly clueless I remind myself of all the times when I felt like I was failing- failing at fulfilling my dreams, failing at staying true to myself, failing at being a good mother- and I look at where I am today. I remind myself that without feeling failure I wouldn't be able to experience the feeling of success.

One thing is for certain, in this life that we are building, I have no question at all that I am right where I am supposed to be. I fit perfectly into this puzzle we have created.