Unconditionally

June 16th, 2019. Father's Day.

Some people call days like Father's Day and Mother's Day Hallmark Holidays. To some, they are days that were made up somewhere along the way by retailers or card companies or the media to make money or as an excuse to have a "big sale". However, after doing some research, I found that Father's Day was first practiced in 1966 when President Johnson declared the third Sunday in June as a day to honor fathers. In 1972, President Nixon signed the holiday into law, making it a legit, national holiday.

Naturally I started thinking about what truly makes a good father. What was it about fatherhood that President Johnson was honoring? What was it about fatherhood that made President Nixon so compelled to sign the day permanently into history?

Some of you might have always had a father to celebrate in your lives, so this wondering may sound absurd to you. Naturally when people reflect on what good parenting is, they reach back into their childhood and compare their experiences with what their definition of good currently is. Others of you might think about how awful your parents were, and might decide that a good parent or a good father is whatever your own parent or father was not. Still some of you, like me, might not have a reference to compare against.

Yes of course I have a father. And I will say that our relationship now is stronger than it was 10 or 20 years ago. And we are working on strengthening it. But, growing up I did not have a father in my life day in and day out. I did not have a father who taught me to ride a bike, or how to fish. I didn't go to daddy-daughter dances. I did not have a dad who would threaten my boyfriends and warn them that they better treat his little girl right. I did not have a man in my life that truly taught me what my worth was- a man who loved me inside and out, unconditionally, without pause.

These days some people who grew up like me will say that they are stronger because they did not have their dad around. They will say that their mothers filled two roles, which showed them how powerful a woman could be. While I agree that watching my mom be both a mother and a father showed me her strength, I also believe that I was weak growing up because of it.

In elementary school it didn't matter so much, but by 8th grade, I quickly realized that the way to get boys to like me- was to be pretty. That worked for a while, but then by high school I realized that the way to get boys to like me- was to be pretty and to put-out. Growing up I was always very shy around boys. I never felt like I knew the right thing to say or the right thing to do. But by high school, when I realized that the way to get the male attention that I craved so much was to do things that made me feel uncomfortable, I knew that I was going to need a major confidence boost. So I turned to alcohol. When I drank, not only did I feel pretty but I felt confident. I was funny and loud and outgoing. I had the "courage" to go up to a boy and kiss him if I wanted to. I had the "courage" to do things to get me noticed.

Of course looking back now I can see how incredibly damaging that whole period in my life was. I used alcohol as a crutch. I was not true to myself. I did things that the person I am now cringes at the thought of. But, like most people, I also understand that those experiences shaped me into who I am today. I am grateful for them, because even though that time in my life was messy and scary and hard, I grew because of it.

I knew Jason when I was in high school. He was my friend Jeremy's older brother. I used to go to his house on the weekends when Jeremy had people over, and we would ask Jason to buy us beer. He was always busy with his own friends, and very rarely obliged. (Looking back now that is funny- in fact, I am going to make him go buy me a beer today because of it).

One night when I was out at our local bowling alley I ran into Jason. I was upset because of a different guy, and he asked me what was wrong. I explained everything to him, and he just looked at me and said "You deserve something better."

What. Who was this guy? He didn't know me. I didn't deserve better. I was broken and lost. I had a baby, had stopped going to college, and was stuck in this mindset that the only way to get a boy to like me was to pretend like I was someone else.

Over the next hour or so, Jason tried to convince me that there were good guys out there. He told me that if it were him, he would take me on a date...I remember thinking "Yeah- right, that is not what people do. People don't 'date'." But, apparently they do. And we did.

A couple of months after we started "talking" (that's what we called it in the old days), I called Jason to tell him that I couldn't come over because I wasn't able to find a babysitter for Noah. "Bring him" he said. I remember thinking, "yeah- right, guys don't want to hang out with me and my son". But apparently, he did. So I went.

10 years later, Jason has taught me what being a man really means. He has shown me my worth. He loves me unconditionally. He tells me that I am smart and funny. He reads all of my writing, and compliments my work. He tells me he is proud of me and gives me a shoulder to cry on when I break. More importantly, he does all of this, while being a father to 3, very energetic, beautiful boys.

When people find out we are trying to have baby #4, we get one of two reactions. (Minus a select few who get super excited and tell us how wonderful it is).

#1. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Why in the world would you want that many kids?! I could never do that.

#2. HOW many kids do you have? Are you SURE you want more?

Now, Jason and I took a lot of time to come to this conclusion. We talked and planned and prayed. My "yes" vote to having another baby was swayed by one simple fact. Jason is an amazing dad.

Jason is the kind of dad that any kid would be lucky to have. He works hard for his family. He words A LOT. When he comes home from work though, he is simply a dad. He teaches the kids how to use his tools. He teaches them how to ride their bikes and how to throw a baseball. He coaches their teams. He gives baths. He gives advice. He listens. He cracks really bad jokes. Sometimes he doesn't like or agree with the choices our kids make. Yes he gets angry sometimes. Yes he yells sometimes. But that doesn't EVER change his love for them. He loves his children unconditionally just like he loves their mother unconditionally.

When people finally get over the INTENSE shock that we could ACTUALLY ever want a 4th baby, their next question is ALWAYS..."Is it because you want a girl?". The short answer is No. Obviously we have no control over that and we would be blessed to add another boy to our family.

But, if I could give a little girl a dad like Jason? If I could give a little girl a dad who could show her that she is strong and worthy of love- a dad to show her that she should NEVER settle, and that she is deserving of only the best kind of love- a dad to take her to daddy-daughter dances and to cheer her on during whatever sport she chooses to play- would I try for that? My answer, every time, will be a resounding yes.

Absolutely, 100% yes.

Until next time,

XOXO Aly